Is there any men out there who doesn’t cheat on their significant other? Some say no and some say yes and we are trying to determine the answer. It seems as if it doesn’t matter how beautiful, sexy, talented, smart or fine a woman is she isn’t exempt from being cheated on by her man. Why do men cheat? We all know why most women cheat, but why men cheat is a very complicated question. We found some great articles and maybe you can determine why men cheat.
Counselor M. Gary Neuman surveyed 200 cheating and noncheating husbands to get at the real reasons behind men’s infidelity.
What makes men cheat? Marriage counselor M. Gary Neuman dug through past research on male infidelity and found that most answers came from the wife’s point of view. Wouldn’t it make more sense to ask the guys? he thought. So for his new book, The Truth About Cheating, Neuman surveyed 200 cheating and noncheating husbands to get at the real reasons behind men’s infidelity — including what cheating men say could have prevented them from straying. Here, some of his findings:
48% of men rated emotional dissatisfaction as the primary reason they cheated.
So much for the myth that for men, cheating is all about sex: Only 8 percent of men said that sexual dissatisfaction was the main factor in their infidelity. “Our culture tells us that all men need to be happy is sex,” Neuman says. “But men are emotionally driven beings too. They want their wives to show them that they’re appreciated, and they want women to understand how hard they’re trying to get things right.” The problem is that men are less likely than women to express these feelings, so you won’t always know when your guy is in need of a little affirmation. “Most men consider it unmanly to ask for a pat on the back, which is why their emotional needs are often overlooked,” Neuman says. “But you can create a marital culture of appreciation and thoughtfulness — and once you set the tone, he’s likely to match it.”
66% of cheating men report feeling guilt during the affair.
The implications are a little scary: It isn’t just uncaring jerks who cheat. In fact, 68 percent of cheaters never dreamed they’d be unfaithful, and almost all of them wished they hadn’t done it, Neuman says. Clearly, guilt isn’t enough to stop a man from cheating. “Men are good at compartmentalizing feelings,” Neuman explains. “They can hold on to their emotions and deal with them later.” So even if your husband swears he would never cheat, don’t assume it can’t happen. It’s important for both of you to take steps toward creating the marriage you want.
77% of cheating men have a good friend who cheated.
Hanging around friends who stray makes cheating seem normal and legitimizes it as a possibility. The message he’s subconsciously telling himself: My friend is a good guy who happens to be cheating on his wife. I guess even the best of us do it. You can’t simply ban your husband from hanging out with Mr. Wandering Eyes, Neuman says, but you can request that they spend their time together in an environment that offers less temptation, like at a sporting event or a restaurant for lunch rather than at a bar or club. Another strategy: Build your social circle around happily married couples that share your values — it’ll create an environment that supports marriage.
40% of cheating men met the other woman at work.
“Oftentimes the woman he cheats with at the office is someone who praises him, looks up to him, and compliments his efforts,” Neuman says. “That’s another reason why it’s so critical that he feel valued at home.” Luckily, there’s a clear warning sign that your husband is getting a little too cozy with a colleague: If he praises or mentions the name of a female coworker more than he would a male counterpart, your antennae should go up — and it’s time for the two of you to set boundaries about what is and isn’t okay at work, Neuman says. Is it acceptable for him to work late if it’s only him and her? Can they travel together to conferences? Have dinners out to discuss a project? Ask him what he’d feel comfortable with you doing with a male colleague.
Only 12% of cheating men said their mistress was more physically attractive than their wife.
In other words, a man doesn’t stray because he thinks he’ll get better sex with a better-looking body. “In most cases, he’s cheating to fill an emotional void,” Neuman says. “He feels a connection with the other woman, and sex comes along for the ride.” If you’re worried about infidelity, focus on making your relationship more loving and connected, not on getting your body just right or mastering new sexual positions. (But know that sex does matter — it’s one of the key ways your guy expresses his love and feels close to you, so be sure to keep it a priority.)
Only 6% of cheating men had sex with a woman after meeting her that same day or night.
Actually, 73 percent of men got to know the other woman for more than a month before they cheated. This means that you may have time to see the warning signs before infidelity occurs — you might even see it coming before he does. Keep an eye out for these common signals: He spends more time away from home, stops asking for sex, picks fights more frequently, or avoids your calls. Your gut reaction may be to confront him, but most men will deny even thinking about cheating — especially if nothing physical has occurred yet. Instead, Neuman suggests, take charge of what you can control — your own behavior — and take the lead in bringing your marriage to a better place. Don’t hesitate to show your appreciation for him, prioritize time together, and initiate sex more. Give him a reason to keep you at the front of his mind, Neuman says. And be open about how you feel about what’s going on between the two of you (again, without mentioning any third parties). Try, “I think we’ve started to lose something important in our marriage, and I don’t want it to disappear.” In the meantime, commit to keeping tabs on your relationship and doing what it takes to keep it working for you. (http://www.webmd.com/men/features/why-men-cheat?page=3)
Judging from the news, women might be forgiven for wondering if every married man is cheating on his wife these days. Or at least every politician, movie star, CEO or athlete of any stature whatsoever. Whether it’s Anthony Weiner, Eliot Spitzer, Ashton Kutcher, Tiger Woods, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Mr. Sandra Bullock or that peripatetic governor from South Carolina, the spectacle of high-profile infidelity suggests that American husbands have lost their moral compass and cravenly adopted the motto: “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. In fact, it doesn’t even have to happen in Vegas to stay in Vegas. As far as I’m concerned, nothing that happened anywhere ever really happened. Even if I get caught red-handed.”
Everyone knows why men cheat. Well, everyone thinks they know. The theory runs like this: Men — not all of them, but quite a few — are pigs. They disingenuously identify themselves as hunters, as opposed to gatherers or certified public accountants or weenies, and thus deem themselves biologically incapable of remaining monogamous.
Once they have manufactured this self-serving, pseudo-scientific rationalization, additional justifications for infidelity are easy to devise. Their wives no longer love them. The sex fell off after the kids were born. The thrill is gone. When they are brutally honest, they might come clean and admit that they have met somebody younger. Or somebody better-looking. Or somebody richer. Or somebody younger, better-looking and richer. With whom the sex is awesome. Which brings us back to the original point, that a lot of men are pigs.
But most are not.
Statistical evidence suggests that cheating is nowhere near as rampant among ordinary men as it would appear to be among pols and jocks and thespians and high-octane suits and other libidinous creatures. According to the General Social Survey conducted by the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago, no more than 22 percent of men have ever engaged in marital infidelity, and only one man in 20 is unfaithful to his wife on an annual basis.
So if a guy calls his wife to say he’s working late, there’s a 95 percent chance that he’s chained to his desk, not stepping out with the nubile new hire in creative services. (Men are more likely to stray than women — or at least more likely to admit it — though the gender gap may be closing, the survey found: Nearly 15 percent of women say they have cheated.)
Our natural instinct is to believe that faithful men adore their wives, are blissfully happy in their relationships and would never dream of fooling around, because it would violate their personal moral code. You can build entire societies around mensches like this. These men are willing to work to make a marriage succeed. To them, marriage is not a trifle, not a lark. Following this logic, men who don’t cheat are first-class human beings.
But are they? All of them? Really?
Over the years, I’ve met a few guys who cheat on their wives and an awful lot who don’t. Or let’s just say I think they don’t. But is it possible that these husbands refrain from cheating not so much because they love their wives, and not even because they view cheating as immoral, but for other, less laudable reasons? Consider, if only for the sake of argument, the following explanations for why some men are faithful to their wives:
Many men are incredibly lazy
Men like to plop down on the couch and watch sports and drink beer. Romance, by contrast, is labor-intensive; you have to shower, shave, slap on some deodorant, put on something other than sweatpants, buy flowers, go to the movies, read a book every once in a while, think of compliments, engage in conversation. Cheating on your wife involves travel, dinner reservations, booking hotel rooms. Once a man has been married a few decades, the energy he would need to expend on an extramarital affair could be a life-threatening shock to his nervous system. It would be like asking the Sahara to suddenly erupt in foliage. That’s why so many older men wouldn’t even think of cheating on their wives. It’s too exhausting.
Some men are startlingly ugly
Women swear up and down that looks are not nearly as important to them as they are to men, that a woman will not hesitate to marry an unattractive man if he has other compensatory qualities, such as a sense of humor or a highly developed intellect or a villa in Tuscany. I only believe the part about the villa in Tuscany. I personally cannot recall the last time I saw an attractive woman with a hideous man, and I keep my eyes peeled for this sort of thing. You might see a 10 with an 8, or an 8 with a 5, but you never see a 9 with a 2. And that’s the reason ugly men do not cheat on their wives.
An ugly man is so happy that he found one woman willing to gaze at his baleful countenance for the next 40 years that there is no way he is going to risk everything by cheating on her.
Lots of married men are cheap
Having an extramarital affair takes money. Even if you don’t have to shell out for airplane tickets and hotel rooms, sooner or later you’re going to have to pony up for meals, flowers, chocolates, theater tickets, lingerie. “If your girlfriend is really into Barbra Streisand or Andrea Bocelli, the concert tickets alone could bankrupt you,” a reformed cheater ruefully observes, “especially if you have to take your wife to the same concert the very next night.”
Men fear getting caught
According to a Gallup poll, only 6 percent of Americans view cheating as acceptable. And 64 percent say that it is an unforgivable offense. Which means that the risks are enormous. Many men would cheat on their wives if they thought they could get away with it, but know that they can’t get away with it because they’re sloppy, forgetful, disorganized, dumb.
They’re going to put the motel charge on their credit card instead of paying cash. Or they’re going to pay cash for the three-hour day rate in the motel but forget to tell the seedy desk clerk in the Black Sabbath T-shirt not to put the minibar charges on the Visa. They’re going to make too many late-night calls to the same mysterious phone number in Vegas or Amarillo or Buenos Aires. They’re going to get caught, they know they’re going to get caught, and they don’t want to have to deal with the consequences of getting caught. And that’s why they don’t cheat. If they coulda, they woulda. But they couldn’t, so they didn’t.
Affairs are time-consuming
“There aren’t enough hours in the day to be married and maintain an extramarital affair,” says a veteran philanderer I know. “At a certain point, having a mistress just becomes another job. And if your girlfriend lives in another city, the travel will eventually wear you down.”
Bores can’t get dates
Just because you’d like to cheat doesn’t automatically mean that you’re going to find someone willing to take you in. Much like the ugly guys, boring guys count their lucky stars that they were able to find one woman capable of staying awake while they moan about the latest Financial Accounting Standards Board standards or complain that no one ever plays Seals and Crofts or Bobby Vinton at weddings anymore. Finding a second woman who would put up with this stuff can be a stretch.
Men have seen Fatal Attraction
Michael Douglas meets the One-Night-Stand-From-Hell. ‘Nuff said.
In proposing all this, I do not mean to disparage the millions and millions of men who remain scrupulously faithful to their wives because they love them, honor them, cherish them and can’t imagine ever being unfaithful to them. Those guys are great; those guys rule the world. All I’m saying is that marital fidelity is not always the direct result of a romantic disposition or an ironclad values system.
Some men would cheat on their wives — at least once — if they knew they could get away with it, if they didn’t have to worry about the blowback (e.g., bunny boiling). But in the final analysis, I suspect that some men don’t cheat for the same reason that they don’t water-ski: They’re not really good at it, there’s no learning curve for this sort of thing, and the results could be disastrous.
By the way, women already know all this.
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